Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
