I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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