Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
