was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
