So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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