i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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