I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
