u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
