youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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