Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
