i jhust puked up my retainher.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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