somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
