U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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