Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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