The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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