So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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