after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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