I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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