omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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