I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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