Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
