he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
