you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
