The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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