i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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