This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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