worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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