I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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