Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just found puke in my bra..
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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