he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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