Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
