made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
