my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
