Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
