My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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