so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
