apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
