This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
