I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
