Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
