Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
