The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
