don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
