I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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