I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
