I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
