3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
