the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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