Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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