guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
