At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
