My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
