Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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